There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
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