Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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