So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
