i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
