My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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