everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
