Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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