I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
