Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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