Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
