I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
