i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
