dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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