Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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