Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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