i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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