i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
