Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
