So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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