I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Come on in and take your pants off
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