I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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