he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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