My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
