The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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