You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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