so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Randomize
