I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
