God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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