worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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