i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
