from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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