you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
