There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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