my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
