Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
