My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
