nut hugger
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Randomize
