Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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