I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
