I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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