I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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