no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
