bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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