This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
