I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
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He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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