She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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