eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
