My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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