he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
tequila makes me forget i have legs
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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