it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
