I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
