I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
