Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
