sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
