explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
third nipple confirmed
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
