I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
