I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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