one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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