I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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